Clark Family Classic

Caption: Natalie's birth day was eventful.

As the birthdays of both Clark Family children approaches, it is altogether fitting and proper to look back at a classic entry. Here’s one called “Natalie’s Birthday,” which records for posterity the events that preceded Nat-Nat’s birth:

Many noteworthy and interesting things happened on June 10, 2005, Margie's birthday. It was the last day that Theo, Margie and Casey would live together as a family all to themselves. Into that happy little threesome, on June 11, 2005, came Natalie Rose.

June 10 began in Milford, Pa., at the house of Joyce and Ken, where Theo, Margie and Casey were living temporarily. We celebrated Margie’s birthday with a breakfast at the Milford Diner. It was delicious (except for the sausage), and Theo enjoyed pancakes and wore his hat inside, against Joyce’s wishes.

On the way out of Milford, Casey and Theo waited in the car for Margie to pick up Daddy’s shirts. The cleaners lost them.

Margie’s doctor appointment was at 11:45, and Casey got lost driving through South Plainfield.

The Clarks first drove to the hotel, the Clarion on Route 27, but we made a pit stop at the Entemann’s factory outlet. When the room wasn’t ready (check in was 3 p.m.), we went to 56 Voorhees Place, and sat on the brick steps and ate some of the donuts we bought at Entemann’s.

Weichert's Jamie Garda arrived about that time, and took us through our pre-closing walk through. Everything looked so large, compared to 57 Main St., and especially compared to 406 E. 63rd St.

At the closing, Theo was well behaved, and our legal counsel Mr. Mundy invited me to play golf at Metuchen Country Club.

Back to the hotel, then lunch at Xandros, Metuchen’s Filipino restaurant.

Later that night, at the hotel, while Daddy was rubbing mommy’s feet and the adults were watching "Six Feet Under" on HBO, Margie felt as if Natalie did a flip in her belly. Thus began an extremely exciting, wonderful and (eventually) painful experience.
Here is a timeline of events that followed:
At 4 a.m. – recognized that today was going to be the day.
At 5 a.m. – called Dr. Chan.
At 5:15 am – carried Theo to the car.
5:30 – Dropped theo at June’s house.
7:06 a.m. – Doctor Patel delivered Natalie: 6 pounds 7.7 oz.
8:00 a.m. – Dr. Chan arrives.

The movers arrived at 1:30 p.m., about the same time that Theo poignantly asked: “Will we live here for a long, long time?”

We’ll see, Theo. We’ll see.

Mothers of the World, Unite!

Caption: Joyce is the "Mother of All Clarks"

The Clarks of New Jersey Web site is shared by tens of people around the world from as near as Metuchen and as far as Manila. But of all our subscribers, none is a more patient reader nor a more generous critic than Joyce Clark of Milford, Pa.

Whereas Sunday, May 11 is Mothers Day around the world; and whereas Joyce is the mother of the author; and whereas a blog posting is a cost-effective gift in these uncertain economic times; BE IT RESOLVED that the Clarks of New Jersey officially recognize her devotion to this site. Joyce Clark, wherever you are, the Clarks of New Jersey salute you!

And to all mothers subscribing to this Web site, we salute you, too! Inay, Diana, Ate, Tedra, – even Fishers, Ind.-based Judy Donahue, who reportedly read all entries ever posted to this site in a single sitting – and many, many more matriarchs in the audience, we celebrate with you the miracles of motherhood.

# # # Personal Message # # #

And a Happy Mothers Day to you, Miss Margie. Mahal mahal kita!

The Out of Towners

Caption: The glorious Food Emporium of 59th Street.

Back in the early days of the 21st century, the Clarks of New Jersey were the Clarks of New York City. We lived on 63rd Street between 1st and York, and we shopped at the Food Emporium, beneath the world famous 59th Street Bridge.

On Saturday, the Clarks turned back the clock. We went for a drive down 64th Street, looking for a parking spot, just like the old days; then pulled into the garage on 63rd, just like the old days.

The neighborhood was relatively unchanged. A new bike store on one corner, a new laundrymat on the other. We walked south to the Food Emporium, then visited the wonderful home and furniture store Conrans, where Theo shouted at his dad to look at the items that amazed him, and he was amazed by every item in the store.

Then we took the MTA bus up First Avenue, a new experience for Theo and Natalie. At St. Catherine's Park, Natalie enjoyed the slide and Theo enjoyed chasing the pigeons, of which there was an endless supply.

Then, off to the Library on 67th Street, a beautifully remodeled monument to the public of the Upper East Side. Its existence was a revelation to Natalie, who asked her mother: "There's another library?" She thought her Metuchen branch was one of a kind. The kids quickly borrowed some books, and off we went back to the car, and back to the future.

The Clarks of New Jersey still love New York.

Princess Aficionado

caption: Natalie Rose by any other name would smell so sweet.

To readers of the Clarks of New Jersey web page, the administrator and web master might seem a man who thinks only of others, a selfless servant dedicated to the online community that thrives here at www.clarksnj.blogspot.com.

The truth, dear reader, is something very different. The administrator is in this for himself. He loves his children very much, you can understand, and posting their photos for the world and posterity generates no small amount of selfish pride.

For instance, look at the photo of this child of two years. Is it possible that this is the administrator’s daughter? Look at those eyes, that jet-black mop of hair. I must admit that my pride swells with the publication of this picture. Let us look again.

An update? Very well then.

Natalie is a princess aficionado who spends most of her days listening to the soundtrack from "Beauty and the Beast" and other princess-related entertainment.

Funny story: At the Metuchen library this weekend, Natalie asked Daddy to read, “Spot at Home.” Natalie’s comment: “But I want to read it here!”

Yes, she has her little mean streak. For instance, this morning I peeked into her room to say hello. "Get out of my room!" she shouted at me. Natalie, say please. Then, in the sweetest little angel voice, she asked me: "Will you get out of my room, please?" Of course I will, Darling.

She’s warming up to her dad, little by little. At night, we play a game called Max, the rules of which defy description but generally allow her to hide in a closet while pretending to be the boy who lives across the street.

Five-year-old Theodore has discovered Pokemon, and continues with a hand well advanced for his age to draw everything that excites him. He enjoyed his Moss School class trip – to Wegman’s supermarket in Woodbridge. Details of the trip remain sketchy, but it is known that the bus ride, the first in his academic career, was bumpy.

# # # Reader Participation # # #

How are things with you?

Sunday in Skillman

Caption: Madeline, Michael, Theodore and Natalie, with their bounty.

The Clarks of New Jersey shared a memorable Easter holiday with the Clarks of Pennsylvania and the Davidians of New Jersey, a branch of the Clark family not to be confused with the Branch Davidians. These are two very different families.

Highlights included an egg hunt on the “Great Lawn,” organized, directed and sponsored by Diana Davidian, matriarch of the Davidian branch. Interestingly, in the race to collect a satisfying amount of colorful eggs, no child was left behind. No tears – a very rare feat for hunts of this nature involving children of varying heights and ages. For organizing this successful event, Diana is to be commended – the Clarks of New Jersey salute you!

Other activities helped place this Easter celebration in high standing. Jumping on the trampoline at the Zauner’s backyard (for video, see www.dailymotion.com/hlmencken); trading Pokemon cards in Michael’s bedroom; watching Davidson upset Georgetown in the basement.

For little Madeline Davidian, 11, the Easter Celebration was crowned by a magnificent view from the roof of her house. “Don’t you go up there,” said Dad and Uncle Carm when the Frisbee went on the roof for the first time. But Dad and Uncle Carm weren’t around the second time. Up she goes like a squirrel.

The most repeated comment of the day: “Michael and Theo look like brothers.”

Easter Egg Hunting

Caption: Theo's classmate Emma (left), and Theo, at Myrtle Field.

Yesterday in Metuchen, about 300 children and adults gathered at Myrtle Field to hunt for Easter eggs. Natalie went out with the zero to three year olds at a few minutes past 9:00 a.m. With a somewhat aggressive strategy (see video below), Natalie gathered three colorful eggs, each filled with chocolate candy.

Next it was Theo’s turn. With about 75 other four-, five- and six-year-olds, (including Emma) Theo collected a nice bagful of eggs.

The children have been growing up quite nicely. Since our last posting, the Clark children have seen their first musical, “Beauty and the Beast,” at Edison High School, and have discovered Pokemon (Theo) and have learned how to put on jackets by themselves (Nat).

The musical made a big impression on the kids, who sing along with or without the recording. Natalie has an interesting interpretation of the title song. She quickly chants: “beauty and the beast, beauty and the beast,” then, in a soulful approximation of Belle, she sings the finale: “beauty and the beast.” (Theo’s favorite character is Gaston.)

Today we saw “Horton Hears a Who” at the Menlo Park Mall. Dad was very disappointed.

# # # Reader Participation # # #

Why can’t they make kids movies like they used to?

A Slice of Cheesequake

Caption: Natalie, Margie and Theo, on the trail of the goose.

The administrators of this happy online journal have refrained from political commentary because we wish to remain in good favor with our friends and readers, shielding them from our radical views. However, the events of Monday, Feb. 18 (Presidents Day) have forced our hand, and we must broach a sensitive political issue. It was 65 degrees on that day, therefore, we take the position that Al Gore is right about global warming, and his detractors are wrong.

More importantly, the Clarks of New Jersey took advantage of the near record heat by dashing off to Cheesequake State Park, burning ozone-depleting fossil fuel all the way from Exit 130 of the Garden State Parkway to Exit 120.

Maybe you’ve seen the videos at www.dailymotion.com/hlmencken? If not, you can generate the image in your own mind by concentrating on a carefree family frolicking through the pristine woods of the Raritan Valley, discovering moss, mud and a strange one-legged goose perched on a rock in the middle of a lake.

This last discovery seized the curiosity of the children, who launched a barrage of questions. “Why does the goose have one leg, mommy?” Then the relentless follow-up question: “But why?” To this day, the parents have no satisfactory explanation for the missing leg.

# # # Reader participation # # #

Did you see Al Gore’s movie? And how do YOU think the goose lost his leg?

Natalie Gets a New Room

Caption: Natalie, left, will sleep in a big girl's bed for the rest of her life.

According to the Home Improvement Research Institute (HIRI), the single most common do-it-yourself home improvement project is the painting of an interior room. The Clarks of New Jersey brought their talents and resources to bear on this activity last weekend, with superb results.

Visitors to 56 Voorhees Place might remember Natalie’s bedroom as a tired, beige affair with a worn-down floor. Things have changed. Today, the walls of light green, (technically, it’s either “alligator smile” or “meadow mist,” I can’t remember) mix sweetly with the white trim. And the professionally sanded floors are a modern marvel.

Moreover, thanks to Mimi, Natalie enjoys her first-ever “big girls bed,” a nice wooden twin, crafted by Appalachian master woodworkers and bought for a song during one of Mimi’s many adventures to points far off.

The transformation of Natalie’s room is profound.

# # # Reader Participation Segment # # #
What color should we use to improve Theo’s bland bedroom?

Three Score and Ten

Caption: Celebrating the birth of Poppy (See video, below) are Natalie, Madeline, Theodore and Margie.

Congratulations to Ken Clark of Pennsylvania, a.k.a. Poppy, alias, The Goose; for turning 70 in such bright style. Wearing the grandfather mantle, he’s the man largely responsible for the Clarks of New Jersey, the Clarks of Metro Denver and the Davidians (Sons of David) of Sycamore Lane, Skillman.

Let’s do the math – that’s three children and six grandchildren – a total of nine offspring direct or indirect. Fans of this blog and relatives are openly cheering for one more kid, so that Poppy can attain double digits of new humanity creation!

The East Coast wing of the family met at the Black Forest Inn for a celebration that included gifts, announcements, surprises and general merriment. One highlight: Poppy received a surprise Florida vacation, to begin Feb. 2. Bon Voyage Poppy, give our regards to Naples, Fla.-based Aunt Joan.

A word about The Black Forest Inn, the venue of Poppy’s 70th birthday celebration: You can’t go wrong with the three-sauce veal medley – delicious.

Happy New Year

Dear reader, as 2007 draws to a close, let us visit the Clarks of New Jersey and see with our own eyes a scene of domestic bliss. The year was full of such moments. We are hopeful they will multiply in 2008, contributing to a house of laughter and tranquility. Can there be more to hope for, dear reader? Perhaps, perhaps not.

In the final minutes of the year, let us also contemplate the great closing line from "Vanity Fair," William Makepeace Thackeray's masterpiece: "Which of us is happy in this world. Which of us has his desire, or in having it, is satisfied?"

Christmas Kid Stuff

Caption: Theo and Natalie wish you a Merry Christmas.

Christmas is a time of gifts. Our children don’t know it, but they are the source of some pretty good gifts – I was going to say “the greatest gifts,” but let us be honest with each other, dear reader. The greatest gifts are expensive and include major investments such as a new kitchen, or a trip to an expensive golf resort.

Our children – Natalie, 2; and Theodore, 5 – have given us the gift of poetry; they say the funniest things. Keep in mind, the written word can only give an approximation of the actual comments delivered in sugary sing-song voices, full of wonder and childish enthusiasm.

Here are some of those gifts.

• Natalie, walking into Daddy’s office and seeing a Catholic nun on the television, turns to her dad and says: “That’s Cioc Bernice.” Cioc Bernice loves you, right Natalie? “Yeah,” and she smiled.

• Theo, reading over the shoulder of his mother, asks: “Why does this say ‘Sports Thursday?” Because it’s Thursday, and this is the New York Times Sports section. “Is there a Sports Sunday?”

• Natalie, pointing to the brand name “Church” that appears on the toilet in first floor bathroom, asks her mother: “Does this say ‘potty?”

• “Desarations,” said Natalie, pointing to Christmas decorations. No it’s Decorations. Deco. “Deco.” Ray. “Ray.” Shuns. “Shuns.” Now say, decorations. “Desarations.”

• Mom tells Theo she’s not giving plastic toys for Christmas, because of lead paint. “But if it’s from Santa Claus, it won’t have lead,” he responded, faithfully.

• Practicing for a visit to Santa Claus, Natalie sits on her dad’s lap. What’s your name? “Nat.” How old are you? “Three.” What do you want for Christmas? “A present.”

• Theo explained that a dinosaur has 100 bones. Daddy wasn’t so sure. “I’m telling the truth.” Would you ever lie to me? “What’s a LIE-DA-MEE?”

• After learning how the New Jersey Lottery Winning Line BINGO scratch-off card is played, Theo says, “Dad, I’m glad you bought this bingo card.” I’m glad you’re glad, Theo. “I want to go to a store that sells a lot of them, so we can buy them.”

• Do you know where Santa Claus lives, Natalie? “Yeah; New York City.”

To all readers everywhere, The Clarks of New Jersey wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

# # # Reader Participation, Holiday Version # # #

What’s your favorite funny line from a kid? Please share it with us.

"A Trip to Gotham City" or "The Christmas Miracle"

Caption: The M&M store in the background should be called the S&M store, for the pain it inflicts upon willing visitors.

A tour of the M&M store in Manhattan, a reunion with long lost Aunt Elanore (a.k.a. Tita Norie), and a dashing car-chase through a crowded parking garage stand out as highlights from our Dec. 15 trip to New York City.

“Why does the Empire State Building keep moving?” asked five-year-old Theo as we approached the skyline.

We were the first to arrive at the Best Western on 48th Street, so the Clarks of New Jersey took a tour of the M&M store – the most unnecessary store in all of retail, unless you like M&M logo golf balls. Still, it was packed. Two employees with bullhorns stood at both ends of the escalators, encouraging the cattle to keep moving, as to avoid nasty and litigious pile ups. Yes, dear reader, the Christmas spirit was in full flow!

A word about Tita Norie: She is Margie’s cousin from St. Louis. Her personality is cheerful, funny, engaging. She works for Bunge – the world’s largest something or other in the soybean processing industry. Norie brought thoughtful gifts for the children, and led Theo by the hand through crowded Times Square to and from Virgil’s restaurant on 44th Street. We hope Norie can some day visit us in Metuchen.

After saying good bye, we walked to the parking garage, retrieved our car, then met the most depressing traffic jam ever encountered by this family. The garage exited onto 50th Street heading toward holiday-jammed Broadway, there was no opening whatsoever, and cars we’re crawling. But that was the least of the problem, because pedestrian traffic – unending and unsympathetic – on the sidewalk in front of our car made any activity on 50th Street moot. It looked hopeless.

Then came our Christmas miracle!

An ambulance begins inching his way down 50th street, lights and sirens blazing. To make way for this new catastrophe, a bus pulls over onto the sidewalk in front of us, crashing into the side of an adjacent building and destroying its awning. Now, our way is completely sealed off by the side of the immobilized bus. As attendants rushed to the crash scene, Daddy seized the opportunity. He put the car in reverse, and headed to the other end of the parking garage, against traffic and amid howls of protest from parking attendants.

The 49th street exit was in clear view, when a small angry man with white hair jumped in front of the car to block my exit. (Apparently, this garage was engaged in some kind of business feud with the other garage.) He looked like he would not let me through, even if it kills him. Margie pleaded with him. Then we told him about the bus, then another attendant pointed toward the blocked exit. Finally, grudgingly, he said “you can go.”

Was the angry man inspired by divine, Christmas angels? Dear reader, who can tell? But the Clarks of New Jersey witnessed a transformation as dramatic as that of Ebeneezor Scrooge or George Bailey. Except, it was real!

For all we know, the bus is still there on the 50th street sidewalk blocking the exit of the garage.

# # # READER PARTICIPATION SEGMENT # # #
Do you have a Christmas miracle story? Please share it with us.

Clarks of N.J. Join the YMCA

Caption: Theo, Nat and Margie, before dad's prodigious sleep.

If a member of the Metuchen YMCA, let’s call him James, had walked into the men’s locker room at 2:20 p.m. on Saturday Dec. 1, here is what he would have seen. Casey, Theo and Natalie fumbling with clothes, shoes, lockers, shoes and swimsuits. And, oh, by the way, James would have also seen Margie. That’s right – all four of us were in the men’s locker room organizing our gym clothes!

It’s a long story, but let us turn our eyes from this scene of familiar disorganization. There were plenty of other happy moments to record for posterity. All four of us enjoyed our first day as members of the YMCA. We remained to the very end of the “Family Swim,” then we discovered that there’s really no difference between “Family Swim” and “Open Swim,” and we didn’t need to rush.

Then Natalie enjoyed what to her was an exotic hydro therapy during which she stood in a tiled room and let water fall from a specially designed faucet over her back, washing away her stress. It was the first such experience for little Natalie, and she eagerly looks forward to her next “shower,” as most of us call it.

Casey performed heroic feats of strength in the exercise room, where several flat screen TVs broadcast sporting events to inspire members to new levels of exertion. This place is fabulous. And we all enjoyed meeting our tour guide, Maddie, who helps out in the babysitting room occasionally.

Finally, this is going to sound like an exaggeration, but Casey slept a full 13 hours Saturday night. It must have been all the swimming.

Note to friends and relatives: When you come visit us, there’s a good chance we can secure guest passes for you. We ask only that you follow normal locker room protocol.

# # # Reader Participation # # #
Is there anything better than 13 hours of sleep? Anything in the world?

Cut it out, Natalie!

Caption: Natalie, with scissors, and Kara on Friday morning.

Theo likes to draw pictures. Whenever he sees something interesting or exciting in the great wide world, his hands soon begin to itch, and his thoughts turn quickly to the idea of reproducing the scene with pencil and paper. If his muse appears away from home, he will often ask to return to his dining room table, where he can strike while the iron is hot.

His pictures have won the praise of his parents, his relatives, friends of his parents, even professional art directors in New York City.

Natalie is a bird of a different feather. She, too, likes to produce little works of art while sitting at the dining room table with her “Kuya” – the Filipino term for older brother. But where Theo likes to draw, Natalie likes to cut.

“I want to cut,” she says to her mother, several times during the day. Margie grabs a few sheets of paper and hands them over to Natalie along with little pairs of safety scissors. Natalie knows what to do with them. She’ll cut lines and shapes and circles. This morning she used a special pair of zig-zag scissors to make a remarkable shape.

“She’s very good at cutting,” says Margie. “Most children her age can’t do that.” I don’t know if the matter has been studied by scientists of early childhood education, but looking at the intricate shapes and tiny slivers of scraps that pile up on our dining room table and carpet, I am inclined to believe that Natalie is indeed a prodigy in this area.

# # # Thanksgiving Day Arts & Crafts Supplement # # #

At Miss Margie's Day Care, Theo made a Thanksgiving Wreath out of a paper plate. The wreath carried this heartwarming message: “I’m thankful for the whole world!”

Halloween in Metuchen

Caption: From left: Maggie, Theo, Kara, Luke and Natalie

Halloween has many charms. Neighbors open their doors to their neighbors. Gifts are exchanged to promote social harmony and general happiness. People look beyond the profit system, some of them skip work altogether. And everyone turns his back on conventional fashion.

I ask you: Why can’t every day be Halloween?

Theo and Natalie certainly enjoy Halloween. At school, Theo’s first Halloween parade was a graveyard smash – the children beamed with pride in their costumes on the stage as parents snapped digital photographs.

When Daddy returned home from work, a dozen children were tricking and treating on Voorhees Place, including Kara and her brother, Kyle. Theo and Natalie milled about, carrying candy containers filled to capacity. “They’re done,” said Mom.

A word about Natalie's kitty-kat costume. This black-and-white classic has seen more tricks than any Halloween costume in Clark family history. Madeline Clark Davidian wore it for two Halloweens, Theo wore it for three, and Natalie has now worn the family heirloom twice. Kitty-kat costume, the Clarks of New Jersey salute you!

Several waves of children came to 56 Voorhees Place during the evening. The prize-winning costumes were those of two boys, about 11 or 12, who dressed as old ladies, with canes and gray hair. Theo watched from the safety of the living room as strange children crowded our tiny front porch, which is ill-designed for tricking or treating. On one occasion, a witch and Edvard Munch’s The Scream were momentarily trapped between the storm door and the front wall, effectively blocking several other gouls and princesses. No one was injured, however.

After the excitement, the children returned to their nightly ritual – books upstairs in Theo’s room, moderate rough-housing with Dad, then a song and milk for Natalie downstairs, then a reading from “Charlotte’s Web” for Theo, then good night.

# # # Recurring Feature: Reader Participation # # #

The best Halloween costume I ever saw was that my brother, Dan, when he dressed up as Tiger Woods a few years ago. What was the best Halloween costume YOU ever saw?

Waiting for Mimi

Caption: Mimi, on the night of the St. Mary’s High School class of 1957 reunion.

At about 11 a.m., the interrogation began. “When is Mimi coming?” Have patience, Theo and Natalie. Your grandmother will be coming later in the afternoon, sometime around 3:30 p.m. Theo had a follow up question: “When is Mimi coming?”

At 2 p.m. on an unseasonably warm Saturday afternoon, the children and Margie are standing outside, looking hopefully down the street. At 3 p.m., Kevin Donahue from across the street comes across to visit. The children are pre-occupied. “When is Mimi coming?” they ask.

Finally, we get the call from Mimi: “I’m on Amboy Avenue, and I’m about to turn into your street.” By this time, though, the children are reading a book with their mother in the living room. Only Daddy is outside to greet her.

Mimi is visiting Metuchen in advance of her 50th High School Reunion – St. Mary’s of Perth Amboy. She’s coming to spend the night, and she’s bring bags of gifts, a matter of great excitement for the children, who peek out the door at their grandmother and her treasures.

(We will pass over Mimi’s reunion, the bulk of which occurred while the Clarks of New Jersey slept. Perhaps you will learn more in one of her mass e-mails.)

On the following day, the children were excited to bring Mimi to Edison’s Skylark Diner, where our waiter Ehab’s professionalism ensured that Mimi’s eggs would be loose, just as she likes them. Later, while Margie engaged in group meditation, Dad took Mimi and the kids shopping for Theo’s Halloween costume. Ever-generous, Mimi plucked a pumpkin placemat off the shelf for little Natalie – “It’s only $2.99,” Mimi said. Natalie developed an inseparable attachment to that placemat by the time we got in the checkout line. That’s when we discovered the actual price of the placemat: $12.99!

Still, Mimi paid for the placemat. Generous Mimi, the Clarks of New Jersey salute you!

Friday Night on the Train

Caption: Theo and Natalie play no part in the following narrative.

On Daddy’s train ride home from work late Friday night after a long day at the office, the train suddenly jerked to a stop just outside of Secaucus station.

I and my fellow passengers – mostly New York Ranger fans wearing Ranger jerseys returning home from the Garden – waited a few anxious moments, then slowly rolled on.

Then the conductor’s voice came over the train’s audio system. Here’s what he said, word for word:

“Attention passengers do NOT push the buzzer. Pushing the buzzer is a federal offense. You will be incarcerated and fined. Pushing the buzzer can cause harm to you and to every single passenger on this train and to every member of the crew. And if you push the buzzer button, the train will stop and police will board the train and ARREST EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE TRAIN.”

That last bit caused a bit of a chuckle, and Daddy recognized the conductor as a genuine comic talent.

A few minutes later, the conductor was back on the loudspeaker.

“Passengers, if you look out the right side of the train you’ll see the finest hockey stadium in the United States of America.” It was the shiny new Jersey Devils stadium in Newark. The Ranger fans groaned in protest.

Conductor of the 10:11 Trenton local, the Clarks of New Jersey salute you!

# # # CNJ READER POLL # # #

Which topics would you prefer to read about in this Web site:
a) Daddy’s commute
b) Hockey news
c) Theo and Natalie

# # #

Special Report: Aaron Clark Turns Three

Caption: Aaron (foreground) collects candy from the pinata.

The Clarks of Metro Denver - Dan, Tedra, Aaron and little baby Elena - celebrated Aaron's third birthday Saturday with presents, games, candy and a late-night trip to downtown Commerce City for Mexican food regarded as the best in the area by readers of the Denver Post.

Here are some of the highlights:

• Rapid response weather planning: The party was set up as an outdoor gathering at a park near the Clarks’ home, but the winds began to howl – knocking over full 12-oz. cans of soda and sending party favors and plates across the central plains states. Undaunted, the Clarks of Metro Denver led the troops indoors where the party played out happily. A good time was had by all.

• Cute kids: Little baby Elena is an adorable child with a happy attitude toward life. And Aaron is a sweet boy who loves his family, and looks just like his dad looked back in 1974. “Angelic” is a good word for him.

• Memory lane: Yes, dear reader, there was also time when Dan Clark, all 6-3, 230 pounds of him, was angelic. I remember those days well. My sister, Diana, and I were about 9 or 10, and we competed aggressively for his affections. Sometimes one of us would bribe him for his precious gifts of time and attention. Now, golf brings the two grown brothers together naturally, but back in the mid 1970s, Diana won more battles than she lost.

• Architecture note: The Clarks of Metro Denver live in a remarkable house – a classic mountain-style wood and stone design with hardwood floors, a semi-circular staircase, views of the golf course plus all the modern amenities. Of special interest is the high-definition television. Here’s an actual comment from Dan about the quality of the picture: “If it’s not high-definition, I don’t even want to watch it anymore.” That’s high praise!

The Clarks of Metro Denver hosted me for four nights as I attended the Ace Hardware Convention. They treated me like family, even better. Dan, Tedra, Aaron and baby Elena: the Clarks of New Jersey salute you!

# # # Reader interaction; sponsored by Mucinex # # #

What’s your favorite Dan Clark story?

# # # Mucinex Fights Mucus! # # #

First Day of School

Caption: Mrs. Fischer delivers her pupils, including Theo, to their parents each day at 2:48 p.m.

Theodore woke up early and dressed himself in his new back-to-school outfit, a bold-striped shirt that was a few sizes too big, dark socks and utility shorts. A lot of kids are familiar with day care and mini-camps, baby sitters -- but Theo hasn’t had any of that extracurricular stuff. He’s been home schooled since birth.

In other words: Sept. 10 was a really big day for the Clarks of New Jersey!

I’ll end the suspense here. Theo had a great day. His teacher, Mrs. Fischer, handled the children wonderfully. Theo was very shy to her at first, but when we left him standing against the wall and waiting for the other children to arrive, he was smiling. And when we picked him up, he was strutting like a peacock.

He didn’t say much about school at first, but after dinner, he began to describe all the events in chronological order from 12:12 p.m. to 2:48 p.m. The stories, the trips up and down the stairs, the group visit to the nurse.

Among other things, he was introduced to the euphemisms of inter-departmental mail. “We put paper in the teacher’s mailbox. It was just a basket, but they called it a mailbox,” he explained.

Sept. 10 was the first day of what will be years of state-sponsored learning, testing, and indoctrinating for the sensitive little fellow. Pleasant experiences in the early grades are crucial to a gallant run through the system. So Mom and Dad are thrilled that Theo’s formal education got off to such a good start.

“I wish I could go to school in the morning, afternoon, and after afternoon.” he said. “I really want to stay there for a very long time.”

He really said that. (All quotes and statements that appear in CNJ are guaranteed accurate.)

At 6:15 p.m., Theo was still wearing his nametag, written in his own hand. He's in dreamland now, but his parents are too excited to sleep.

Point Pleasant Beach

Caption: Scenes from a summer day in New Jersey.

The summer is winding down. Everywhere we go, people tell us: "I can't believe the summer is almost over." And yet, this is the way it has always happened, and it will never change. "One season cometh, and another passeth way, but the earth abides forever." That's from the Bible.

The Clarks of New Jersey do not lament the passing of the seasons. Instead, we enjoy them while we may, gathering rosebuds, etc. There is not much to say about our recent trip to Point Pleasant Beach. It was a Friday. Daddy had the day off. And the traffic on the Parkway was fine until just pass the Asbury Park exit. Lifeguards forebade swimmers from entering the ocean because, again, "the sea was angry that day my friend." And the children enjoyed collecting shells.

But look at these photos! There's Natalie climbing on the railing. There's Theo running on the boardwalk. A trio of Clarks cleans up in the public shower. And the two guys prepare our delicious funnel cakes. More than any words, these photos will give you an idea of our day in the sun.